During my law school’s admitted students weekend–a period when prospective students evaluate and ultimately choose which school to attend–Dean Levmore told us, “Some of you will love this law school. And some of you will hate it. And you’re probably the same people who loved or hated your undergrad. That’s just who you are.” The Dean was illustrating one established theory that happiness is basically inherent: if you’re a positive person, then you’ll usually be pleased with your decisions; if you’re a negative person, then you’ll generally be displeased. Presumably that theory extends to all kinds of major decisions, including whether or not to have kids.
I loved law school and I loved college. I spent virtually no time on my college selection process. These were the days before SAT classes (or even preparation, in my case) and, for the most part, the Internet. I applied to three colleges and chose one for reasons I can no longer recall . . . and I never looked back. Years later, I agonized over the law school application process. I spent a year just preparing to apply, and then submitted every app on the first day that schools would accept them.
Both approaches worked perfectly well. So what about this latest life decision? Will writing a weekly post about whether to have kids have a positive impact on a) our ultimate decision, or b) our contentment with that decision? I’m certainly hoping so: I have buyer’s remorse (and pre-purchase anxiety) about getting the wrong dvd player; I’d hate to regret one of the biggest decisions of my life!
In general, I believe that better decision making is associated with careful consideration and, often, research. But why? For one thing, evaluating a decision at length (okay, ad nauseum) puts to rest any fears that I’m ignorant about my options. In other words, I won’t feel like I don’t even know what I don’t know. I won’t be flying blind.
Also, thorough thinking is especially useful for decisions that don’t have a clear yes or no answer–and the kids question is definitely one of those. I can think of 100 reasons to have kids, and another 100 to forego them. If the call is that close, extra scrutiny will tip the scale. Of course, so will a coin toss–but I’d rather not leave this decision up to chance.
When researchers investigated “The Relationship Between Information Search and in the Childbearing Decision and Life Satisfaction for Parents and Nonparents,” they found surprising results: research affected satisfaction positively for couples who became parents; but it affected satisfaction negatively for those couples who remained childless. So thoughtful planning affirms a “yes” answer and undermines a “no.” Which is to say, we should write this blog only if we’re planning on having kids. That, of course, defeats the whole purpose!
One of the first comments on this blog basically said, “Why are you blogging about having kids? What’s the point?” Friends and family have asked the same thing. Even though I’m pretty sure that Rick and I (being people with generally positive dispositions) will be happy with whatever we decide, I’m betting that this process will help us feel more confident in our choice. And if it doesn’t? At least we’ll enjoy the ride, and, hopefully, so will you!
Related post: How parenting is like studying law.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I have been waiting for this. Katy as you know Lynn & I are in the same boat so this blog will help us too. I am ready to share my stories, good & bad.
I too am working on this question. Looking forward to seeing your process! I keep feeling like I wish I were in the movie “Sliding Doors” so in one of my realities, I could remain childless, and in the other, experience parenthood. Like you, I see a lot of pro and con on both sides.
Kate: As Rick read your comment to me this morning, I just kept nodding. I’ve often had that “sliding doors” wish! I think another way of experiencing “both lives” is to achieve that elusive work-kids-recreation balance. I said to Rick a few days ago, “If I could sum up my feelings in once sentence it’s this: I wish there were a way to have kids and have all the amazing experiences of our lives.” I’d be anxious to hear from anyone who thinks they’ve achieved that combination. Thanks for following along and commenting. Our next post will be up Friday! Katy
Just a few thoughts before I move on to reading the next post (obviously I’m a few days behind):
1. I am generally satisfied with my decisions, very rarely looking back and saying, “Man, I wish I’d chosen the other path.” But do I feel this way because I’m truly content with all of my decisions, or is it because I generally feel empowered to change situations I’m not happy with? I fear that it’s the latter, and that’s why I struggle so much with this particular decision, because this is probably the only decision most of us will ever make that, once made, absolutely cannot be undone. Scary!
2. I feel somehow that all of the research in the world will not help me in this particular case. Because everything I read suggests that the day-to-day reality of parenting is difficult, stressful, tedious, and sometimes boring, and yet it’s worth it. When I interact with other people’s children, or watch parents interacting with their children, I catch glimpes of “It’s worth it,” but I don’t know that I’ll ever truly understand until/unless I have my own child. So does this mean that we should just go for it and trust that it will be worth it? Yikes! Sounds pretty scary, again!
3. What is with all of these people who just “know”? I’m equally confounded by people who just know that they want kids as by people who just know that they don’t. How are other people making this decision seemingly with so little forethought while I’ve been agonizing over it for years?! So frustrating. And enviable.
All right, that’s all for now. I’m off to read the next post. :)
Jonelle, as usual, we’re on the same page. #3 was the major inspiration for this blog. Rick and I kept asking ourselves, “How do people just DO this?” I’m not sure there’s an answer. I, too, envy those who just know. I’ve known many people who seem totally unconflicted (wordpress is telling me that’s not a word) about this decision, whatever their position. I’ve never really asked how or why, though. Consider yourselves on notice, unconflicted people!
#2. For my sake, I hope you’re wrong about the research! But I’m guessing you’re right. I’ve read several books and numerous academic and popular articles on this topic, and I’m just as ambivalent as I was at the start of all this.
#1. You’ve really just compounded my anxiety with this one. Thanks. ;-) But yeah, the permanent nature of this decision really hits home. That, and the increasingly finite period of time we have to make the decision!
Keep commenting! I feel like we’re totally in this together!